How to get over a crush

The biggest emotional roller coasters in life are often the result of thinking about and obsessing over a new crush. If you’ve been here before, you know the agonizing thoughts that go through your head:

“Does he like me?”

“Did he mean to say that as a friend, or was he implying more?”

“What did it mean when she put her arm around me?”

Crushes are both frustrating and elating. When your crush behaves in a way consistent with your desires, it’s like you’re on the moon. But when they behave as though the two of you are merely friends or acquaintances, it’s as though a thousand water balloons landed on your head. :-(

What makes crushes such a roller coaster is their speculative nature. You know that you’re interested, but generally you don’t know the other person very well, or how they really feel towards you. Your feelings swing wildly based on any bits of information or interactions with the other person, as everything is extrapolated based on small clues.

A crush can be dis-empowering, especially where you obsess over the other person, thinking about them constantly, daydreaming about the possibilities, stalking them on Facebook, calling their voicemail in the middle of the night so you can hear their voice.

I’m not saying that a crush is an altogether bad thing. Feeling a strong, passionate desire to connect someone else is part of what makes alive. But I do suggest that, when you have a crush for someone, that instead of letting yourself marinate in your feelings, take charge and either move towards what you want, or move on entirely.

The middle ground of being smitten with someone for weeks or months without any direct action is far too agonizing a place to be. Nothing is free in life, including the time, emotions and energy that you spend pining away after somebody. It wastes a lot of potential time when you could be with that person, or otherwise have moved on and pursued someone else. It can also cause a build up of thoughts and emotions that can cause you to behave or talk strangely when you’re around your crush.

A crush is fundamentally a lack of information – both about who the other person really is, and how they feel.

The way to get over a crush is to obtain the information you’re missing. You have to move beyond the speculation towards another state. You might lose interest in your crush after you learn more about them. You may express your interest in your crush and they may reciprocate, starting a formal, open exploration. Or your crush may reject you altogether, allowing you to move on. Any one of these states is much more empowering than hanging in limbo.

So how do you get the missing information that you need to get over a crush?

1. Immerse yourself

Obsessing over a crush is often caused by projecting who you think someone is onto them. So you’re really obsessing over who you think they are, not who they actually are. Thus, your goal is to align your thinking with reality as much as possible by finding out as much about your crush as you can.

The best way to do this is to call up your crush and get together with them. See if he/she will join you for dinner, a show, a trip to the museum, or a walk around the market.

You’ll gather new information about your crush when you meet up, and if you’re still interested, try to arrange a repeat date or two. Seeing your crush in a variety of different settings helps you to see a number of different dimensions of them and their personality.

Even a chat on the phone can provide a lot of information – much more than endlessly checking their Facebook profile for updates. ;)

The goal is to find out – who are they? What are their interests? What are their goals in life? Do you like their personality? Are they caring and nurturing? And so on.

2. Directly communicate your interest

The other chunk of information missing in a crush situation is how the other person feels about you. Are they equally interested in you? Do they think about you during their off-moments? Are they eagerly hoping you’ll call and invite them on a date?

If you’re really smitten with someone enough that you’re thinking about them everyday, hoping they’ll call you or write on your Facebook wall or that they’ll show up to your cooking class on Wednesday night, why not call them up directly and tell them how interested you are?

I know this isn’t easy and it opens you up wide open for rejection. But believe me, I’ve been there many times, and while rejection can be tough, it beats the living daylights out of pining away in speculation.

Rejection can be immensely helpful because once you’re rejected, your emotional bonds to that person loosen and you can move on.

On the other hand, your crush may be interested in pursuing a relationship with you as well, and openly stating your interest can open the doors to an exploration that wouldn’t be possible if you communicated more passively.

A nudge from your soul

Crushes aren’t meant to torture us. They’re a nudge from deep inside us that pushes us to take courageous action to fulfill our desires and need for companionship.

You can (try to) ignore a crush. You could passively wait things out, hoping that you’ll get the chance to bump into your crush at a party, or that they’ll suddenly call you out of the blue. Or you can get into the driver’s seat, and follow your heart directly.

Even if it turns out that your crush isn’t interested in you, they’ll probably be flattered and impressed at your courage and willingness to communicate openly and directly. Those are great things to have in any relationship partner. ;)

Comments

Comments

  1. Andrew R says

    This is great! I’m normally up front with my crushes and attractions, mostly online. I haven’t had a big crush offline for awhile, so I’ll see how I do. I might be just as open. :)

  2. says

    Hey Andrew, welcome and thanks for commenting! I find offline crushes very interesting because you often know them as friends or friends of friends, and since you know more about each other and have more intertwined lives to start with, being open takes on a different dimension. :)

    • says

      Hey Taz, thanks for droppin’ by!

      I get the feeling that you wouldn’t struggle too much with being in the middle ground here. You’d do exactly as you say!

  3. PAT says

    I can’t stand what these infatuations do to me. I have no control over these feelings for these women. I barely see them but when I do I am unable to control myself. I am sure the one girl (my sister in law) knows how I feel. I have irrational thoughts and am unable to control my urges. I am married(21 years) and i do love my wife. We have 2 children and I thought that these feelings would subside over time but they’ve only gotten worse. I have to avoid all contact with these people. I have heard many peoples advice but so far the only thing that works is avoidance.

  4. says

    hey rite now i am 9 and i like a guy he said to his sister that he like me and now he say that he doses not like me and i heartbroken and it hurts

  5. Jonesy says

    I’m in the midst of a workplace crush right now. It’s big and painful and stupid. Crushes suck, especially the insidious way they creep up on you. My crush is a sweet and lovely girl, and whenever she talks to another guy, however briefly or mundanely, I die a thousand tortuous deaths :(

    • Jp says

      Jonesy,
      I know exactly how you feel. I have a major crush of my own and whenever he talks to other women, I feel depressed.

  6. tiff says

    i hate crushes :( i have a major major crush over a yr now thought f it askd his friend for his number, thought anything was better then not knowing and y wouldnt he like me im great. been on 2 dates and a kiss now :D but its agony i still dont know wether he likes me or is just passing time or just wants to jump into bed :/ but i gotta follow it thru to the end i cnt spend my life wondering what if….

  7. Miranda says

    Hi…there is this guy that liked me 4 years ago before I got married. He was going through a divorce then and I was not interested… Now am going through a bad patch in my marriage and this guy is still available, and for some reason this time round I have had a bad crush on him. He was initially interested but now He feels its not right and would not want to break up a marriage urggh….. its killing me, but I think am getting over him…

  8. Dani says

    “Crushes aren’t meant to torture us. They’re a nudge from deep inside us that pushes us to take courageous action to fulfill our desires and need for companionship.”

    Heh, sometimes it doesn’t seem that way at all. But in any case, those were two really beautiful lines.

  9. alexturner_is_sexy says

    I’ve had a crush on classmate for about a year now. I don’t think I can tell her. She’s so beautiful it hurts… My first same sex crush
    Thing is I think she suspects that I like her…I don’t think she even considers me as a friend. She’s too good for me.
    Recently split up with my boyfriend of three months partly because of this.

  10. Crush-ed says

    Please Respond!!! Thank you :)
    OK well i’m in highschool (15 yrs old) and i’ve had a crush on a guy for a couple months. Umm it started out as this guy just teasing me but i didn’t give him much thought until we became partners for a project. We spent the whole weekend hanging out and just flirting with each other and on the last day i thought we had almost kissed! But then the next day I realized that I was probably just overreacting until i told my friend what happened. She came up to me at lunch and said she overheard him say that he thought we almost kissed but didn’t know if i felt the same way. So of course i flipped out and got really excited expecially when i went to talk to him the next day and he suddenly became really shy and all of his friends were cheering. I completely trust her and i think he started to like me and i kind of started to like him especially because we would always joke around and laugh with each other. Summarizing the past 2 months there have been A LOT of rumors (like whether he does or doesn’t like me)… but he hasn’t talked to me as much as he used to after he found out i liked him; it’s mostly his friends saying hi to me and teasing me. Even though i really really like him i told him yesterday i only like him as a friend because i didn’t want to be weird or annoy him and maybe we could just be friends! i know that he probably will never like me and i just need to get over it… but everytime we make eye contact or even say a few words to each other i think that there’s a possibility we could be more than just classmates…..I know it’s childish and we were never in a relationship but i just felt like we had something really special…like the way we looked into each other’s eyes, but i really think it would be best for me to just move on…. what do you think? Thank you soososo much!! <3

    • carlos says

      bitch why would u let him go. he is the guy of ur life just talk to him and he wouldnt be shy like before. dont move on!!! Bitch if already move on

  11. Jp says

    What about when you express your feelings and he rejects you but still continues to flirt with you?
    I feel like I am in perpetual limbo and because I see him every day it makes moving on very difficult.

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